Masturbation is destroying the Earth: Global Ban needed!

A provocative title, I admit but stay with me. In the culture wars I often hear people argue that homosexuality affects everyone else and therefore must be regulated, banned and/or discriminated against.  In the gay marriage debate, claims are made that allowing gay and lesbian people to marry will affect “traditional” marriage or will harm children.  When asked what that affect is, the individuals almost always claim that, “it doesn’t affect me personally, but . . ..”  Then they come up with some step-by-step, incremental global affect on society as a whole. 


I am here to urge those who oppose gay marriage to refrain from using this type of argument.  This argument is dangerous to everyone, especially to conservative values (it is after all mostly conservatives who are using this argument).  It is dangerous, not only because it is being used today to deprive gays and lesbians of equal treatment, but also because this type of argument undermines the very liberties that we, as a nation, hold dear.  To accept this type of argument, is to say that nothing is beyond regulation.  Since the Depression era, this “affectation doctrine” has been used to expand Federal power into almost every sphere of the economy.  Conservatives have been so conditioned to the argument, that they are now using it to grant a license to expand that power universally throughout the society.  It must be stopped, if we are to remain a free society. 


If this is a valid argument on gay issues, then it is valid for everything, and an argument can always be constructed that everything affects everything else.  Let me illustrate:  Masturbation is causing the extinction of species and therefore must be criminalized.



  • If a person masturbates he needs tissue;
  • If a person needs tissue, he increases the demand for tissue;
  • If the demand for tissue rises, companies will produce more tissue;
  • If companies produce more tissue, they buy more wood pulp, increasing the demand for wood pulp;
  • in order to meet the increased demand for wood pulp, timber companies buy more wood;
  • When timber companies buy more wood, more trees are cut down;
  • As trees are cut down, the rain forest is destroyed;
  • as the rain forest is destroyed, habitat is lost;
  • the loss of habitat causes extinction of species.
  • The effect of one person masturbating may be insignificant, but there are more than 3 billion men on earth.  Three billion men masturbating will destroy millions of acres of forest.
  • THEREFORE, masturbation is causing substantial damage and a global ban is needed.


After this argument is made, people will accept begin to accept the connection between masturbation and deforestation, and even the “pro-masturbation” contingent will argue that a ban is not needed, but rather an “educational campaign” should be used to teach people to stop using tissues and instead use a sock.  Billboards will abound with the phrase, “put a sock on it!”  Grants will be issued for a global awareness campaign. 


Do we really wish to live in a world where the government can regulate everything? We must stop this insanity.  Just because an argument can be made, does not mean it should be made.  Yes, we all affect each other in a variety of ways. But government action is only justified, as J.S. Mill so skillfully pointed out:


“The sole end for which mankind are warranted, individually or collectively, in interfering with the liberty of action of any of their number, is self-protection. That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant. He cannot rightfully be compelled to do or forbear because it will be better for him to do so, because it will make him happier, because, in the opinion of others, to do so would be wise, or even right…The only part of the conduct of anyone, for which he is amenable to society, is that which concerns others. In the part which merely concerns himself, his independence is, of right, absolute. Over himself, over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign.”


This nation was founded on and has been guided by principals of individual autonomy and responsibility.  Those principals have been severely eroded over the past 60 years, but still survive and, until recently, have been most defended by the conservatives amongst us.  The fact that it is they who now use the affectation argument to argue for a ban on gay marriage raises a serious threat to the single most important core value in our political culture. 


I leave you with a Ayn Rand quote, “Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. The savage’s whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.”  


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